Hello Fear, my old friend

I’ve written about fear a few times: “What would I create if I felt no fear?” and “A few notes on fear.” And they’ve all been true. What I’m learning is that there are all different kinds of fear. And today I’m thinking about the fear that comes when things might just work out. What if they say yes? What if I get picked? Or what if I actually succeed at this thing I’ve been working at for so long?

The work

This year I’ve felt a lot of energy around making work and putting it out into the world. Last year was a bit of a wintering year for me. I was resting and incubating and figuring out where to go next. And at the end of that year, I realized I had energy for the studio again. So I got to work and I’ve finished several new pieces. I’ve also entered them into shows. I’ve written proposals for a few things including a grant proposal for a fellowship.

And now after that flurry of activity, I’m going into a waiting time. Things are out on review and I’m transitioning from the push of getting things done to a time of waiting to hear back. And while I’m proud of the things that are out there’s still a bit of fear present in that waiting. What if I don’t get it? But what if I do?

Success can be just as scary as rejection. That’s a real shame because we are conditioned to think success is going to make us feel great!! We’ve made it! People love us!! But my brain goes what if it’s a fluke? And the organization bestowing the award, show, or selection? What if they aren’t really all that?What if it’s all a lie? And what if I actually still don’t belong?

What a jerk my brain is.

Keeping it together

I’ve got a spreadsheet in Notion now for all of these entries. It’s a new thing for me this year to be organized in this way. It’s got the due dates and the show dates and most importantly, the notification date. Which I do my very best to ignore the crap out of. Because fixating on the notification date is like waiting for water to boil. It’s a form of wishing my life away when I’m focused on that notification date.

So to stay ahead of that fear and waiting for the notification date to roll around, I’m working on the next thing. I have a new project I’m working on. Spending time figuring out how to solve the next problem keeps my eyes off of those pending notification dates. And keeps the fear at bay.

The next thing: the star

I’m doing some tests for the next piece I’m working on. I’m calling it “The Star” and like the other pieces in my In Search of Alchemy pieces it will have a subtitle to make the tarot more personal for me. But at this point in the process, there’s no subtitle yet but there is this beauty:

And I am obsessed with the colors of this! Fear doesn’t stand a chance against the power of these colors. I’ll post more when there’s more to see.

Where does the fear kick in for you? I want to know about it! Email me or start a conversation by leaving a comment on this post! If you’d like to keep up with what I’m working on, I’d love to have you as a newsletter subscriber. I include blog posts from here, cool things I find online, and pictures of my dogs. Sign up here.