On my practice (fall 2024 edition)

I only want write about my practice when things are going really well. When I have shows to talk about or I have big projects I’ve just completed and I want to shout about it or I’ve got some really good pictures of something I’ve crocheted that I want to share. You know, the good stuff. Talking about my practice when I have nothing much to show makes me feel like a failure.

On my blog I try to go for the self-help/peptalk vibe. I want you to feel like you can get started and feel good about what you are doing. I want you to build positive self talk so your inner critic isn’t the only voice you hear. So that you’ll keep creating. I want ALL of us to keep creating. Being burned out like I am and at the bottom of my creative cycle doesn’t fit the vibe here. I’ve resisted talking about it. I’ve been resentful to be in this part of the creative cycle at this particular fraught point in time. I’m struggling to find my footing. That is what is going on with me and and likely with some of you as well. We should be able to talk about the stinky elephant in the room.

I started off this year really enthusiastic, applying for shows and being jazzed about the work I wanted to do. I had work in three shows early in the year! Then I had a great art retreat week this summer! But since my travels in August, I’ve been floundering both in practice, in pursuit of practice, and thoughts about practice. I’ve had a lot of days when I didn’t work at all and weeks away from the blog. The true trouble is once I’ve broken the habits of my practice, it’s extremely difficult to get started again.

In my first couple of years of my Make Something Every Day project, when I would have a break in my practice, I would panic. I remember vividly sitting at my work table and sobbing, telling my partner that I couldn’t work, I didn’t know how to start, and I was afraid it wouldn’t come back. Thankfully, it didn’t take me many times through the cycle before I realized it wasn’t true. It’s the thing I’ve been reminding myself the last few weeks as I’ve been sitting in the low point of the cycle again.

I’ve tried to fill up the creative well with interesting things while I’ve not being making. I try to consume all kinds of things, not just things that I personally find lovely or moving, but things that are weird and different and outside of my normal consumption. And as often is the case with being in the dregs of the creative cycle, I look at other people’s work and get overwhelmed by their brilliance, their creativity, their imagination, and their ability to communicate concepts. With all of that comes a dose of self flagellation at my lack of being able to do any of those things well. My brain knows that isn’t true, but my soul, which is somehow connected to my currently nonproductive hands, feels it deeply.

Normally at this time of year I am gearing up for my retreat time I take over the week of Thanksgiving to survey my year and make plans for the next year. It’s a part of my creative year I usually love. This year, my thought is “Well, I guess I’ll do that.” And that lack of excitement is just another frustration to throw on top of the ever-growing pile. Another “Why am I doing this again? Because no one cares and I’m not sure if I do either anymore.”

And it’s a bit of an understatement to say I’m feeling the pressure of the next few years. The quote about this being exactly the time for artists to get to work is pressing heavily on my heart. I don’t do well creatively under pressure. I know some people do and I am deeply envious of being able to bang out the tunes on command. While I know that I’m not responsible for the whole thing, I do feel like with my public stance on resistance art I am very on the hook to make meaningful things in this time of worry and hardship.

 

But maybe it’s not about making “important” things so much as it is about keeping the creativity pipeline unclogged and flowing easily enough for inspiration to show her face. I have to remind myself that my job is just to make things, not to figure out if they are important or worthwhile or even meaningful. I need to focus on my part of the job which is to be available to the work consistently. Once again, being present making up more than half of any job we set ourselves up to do.

I’ve been writing this post over the course of a couple of days and I have to say that it’s been pretty cathartic. Acknowledging what is going on with me feels like a huge step forward. Maybe in the course of the next few days and weeks, I’ll start noticing I’m moving in a new direction with excitement and fresh vision. If you are stuck, I hope this helps you too. Meanwhile I’m gonna go outside and play with the dogs and breathe the fall air.

How do you deal with the ups and downs of your creative practice? Catch up with me on socials, email me, or go old school and leave a comment on this post to be immortalized for all of time.

---

If you liked this post and don’t want to miss any news from me, sign up for my PencilBooth newsletter. I do all my writing here on the blog so the newsletter will be mostly links to posts and things I find interesting. But you’ll definitely get a pic of my dogs because who doesn’t love dogs?! Sign Up here.